Kick in the Pants

“Some people might not want to see your underwear—

I’m one of them.”

Barack Obama

Small towns have gotten into the fashion police business. It’s not a role they assume happily, but when someone lets his britches drop below his boxers, what’s a town to do?

Residents around the country are up in arms about droopy drawers. This isn’t happening just in the big cities. Indiscrete displays of undies are showing up in small towns, too. In response, two towns—Hampton, Georgia (population 5,355) and Collinsville, Illinois (population 24,707)—this month passed laws banning “saggy pants.” The mayor in Collinsville is not happy. It’s not that he wants to see every Tom, Dick, and Harry’s skivvies, but he says towns should not be in the business of dressing their citizens. A court in Florida agrees. In 2008, it struck down a saggy pants law in that state, finding it unconstitutional. 

Still, because the Florida decision is not binding in other states, laws keep popping up around the country. And although some might find the laws a joke, the penalties are no laughing matter. In Hampton, the fines start at $50 and go up to $200 for repeat offenders, and in Collinsville, the fines start at $100 and top out at $300. But when it comes to penalties, Delcambre, Louisiana (population 2,168) is off the charts: $500 fine or six months in jail.

President Barack Obama has even weighed in on the debate. He thinks the saggy pants laws are a waste of time, but he admonishes young men to “pull up your pants”—not everyone wants to see your underwear, including the president.

Read the articles:
·        Georgia town to fine those with saggy pants
·        Collinsville outlaws saggy pants
·        Baggy pants ban “unconstitutional,” rules US judge
·        Kick in the pants from O

Stretching a Scenic Buck

“People drive a long way to see something that’s never changed.”

Lee Ann Keester

Daughter of the owner of Scenic, South Dakota

How far can you stretch a buck? Or, let's say, how far can you stretch 799,000 bucks? If you’re in the big city of Manhattan, New York (population 1,585,873), $799,000 will get you a 1-bedroom, 1½-bath, 1000-square-foot apartment. In Los Angeles (population 3,849,378), it’ll get you a 2-bedroom, 2-bath, 1650-square-foot condo. But in South Dakota, that same $799,000 will get you your own town on 12 acres with an additional 34 acres of elbow room.

Founded in 1906, the historic town of Scenic, South Dakota (population 9) is on the market and offers amenities you’re not going to find just anywhere: a saloon, large dance hall with basketball court, bunkhouse, train depot, two jails (one still working), two stores, a post office with your own zip code (57780), and handful of homes—a couple habitable and a few on their last leg. This place is a fixer-upper, but it’s got great bones. Just take a look at the above photo of the Longhorn Saloon.

The current owner of Scenic would’ve loved to have kept the town until she was 100, but she’s fallen ill and needs to find a new owner. One of the residents who’s lived in Scenic since 1949 says he likes the seclusion of the small town, but it could use some spiffing up. And a couple of new businesses would be nice.

So, if you have $799,000 burning a hole in your pocket, and you’re not afraid to stretch your imagination along with your bucks, you might find yourself in a Scenic little spot in South Dakota with a zip code to call your own.

Click on the video below to take a tour of Scenic, South Dakota:

Read the article ® Small South Dakota town on sale for $799,000
Real estate listing & website ® BuyScenicSD.com

Wise Investment?

“We just want to keep our school so that our town can stay.”
Stephanie Harmon, Teacher in Sparkman, Arkansas

Sparkman, Arkansas (population 501) is hanging on by its fingernails. It’s lost most of its jobs, half of its population, and a bit of its spirit. But when it comes to losing its school, the town isn’t giving up without a fight.

Sparkman High School is the pride of the town. It boasts the highest academic rating of any school in the area, and it’s home to teams in basketball, baseball, and softball. Up until 2004 the school had a darn good football team, often competing in state playoffs though fielding only 16 players. But the numbers have been dropping at the school, too, and in recent years Sparkman hasn’t been able to muster up a roster of even 16 kids to play football.

When neighboring Arkadelphia (population 11,175) announced plans last fall to help its high school graduates pay for college, it lit a fire in Sparkman. Townspeople there didn’t have a “gee, what a neat idea” reaction. Instead, they launched a “you’re not luring our kids away” defense and passed the hat to raise funds for their own college fund. So far, they’ve raised $53,000—not bad for a community whose high school recently graduated 13 kids, only 8 of whom want to go to college.

But sending kids to college could turn out to be a bigger problem. Statistics show that once they leave, college-bound students from small towns rarely return home. Still, the one thing Sparkman hasn’t run out of is hope, and folks there are pinning their hopes on the kids.

Read the article ® Arkansas town invests in children to save itself

Balancing Act

“If we want something, we do it ourselves.”

Constance Robinson

Mayor of Paragonah, Utah

The debt crisis sure has everyone in a pickle. The politicians are scrapping, the due date is looming, and hopes for a solution are dwindling. Folks in Paragonah, Utah (population 485) don’t know what all the fuss is about. Town leaders there have balanced the budget every year for the past 15 years, and they don't expect to stop any time soon.

It’s not that Paragonah is flush with cash. Folks there are facing the same tough economy as the rest of us, but they take a no-nonsense approach to money. First, if you don’t have it, don’t spend it. The mayor says they don’t go in for the “fancy stuff.” The town hall is a small log building, which does double-duty as the library and triple-duty as the museum. Second, if you want something done, do it yourself. Residents pitch in because they love their town and want to help their neighbors. Simple as that.

Paragonah residents think this same two-prong approach can work for the rest of the country. But who’s going to take notice of a tiny town in Utah? The U.S. Senate, that’s who. It recently awarded a commendation to the people of Paragonah for their fiscal responsibility. Now, if the senators would just borrow a few pages from Paragonah’s playbook, maybe they could get us out of this economic pickle we’re in.

Read the article ® Paragonah praised by U.S. Senate for staying debt free
Art by Adi Holzer

Speechless

“Mommy, what’s that?”

Franco Fuda

Police Chief of Bonneau, South Carolina

Freedom of speech is a powerful thing. This hard-fought, constitutionally protected right lets us voice our opinion about a whole lot of stuff: from politics to education to religion, and just about everything in between. But does it give us the right to hang tacky accessories from our vehicles? That’s the question one woman in small town South Carolina is about to find out.

Virginia Tice, of Bonneau, South Carolina (population 404), was cited recently for hanging—there’s no delicate way of putting this—fake testicles from the back of her pickup. They’re red, about eight inches long, and they caught the eye of the Bonneau police chief. Understandably. Enforcing an anti-obscenity law, the police chief ticketed Ms. Tice $445 for the dangling “Bulls Balls.” The chief offered to let Ms. Tice off the hook if she’d only remove the offending appendages, but she said nope. She’ll have her day in court, where she can argue the finer points of being tacky versus being obscene. You see, being tacky is constitutionally protected; being obscene is not.

All I can say is the whole thing leaves me, well, speechless.

Read the Article ® Testing the limits of free speech

Til the Fat Lady Sings

“The big people aren’t funding opera anymore,

but small communities are.”

Adam Hall, Tenor in Opera Company of Middlebury

Westminster College Photo

I went to Phantom of the Opera a couple of weeks ago. It was a community theater production, and the actors and musicians did a great job of bringing the haunting story to life on stage. I’m not an objective reviewer, I’ll admit—my son played French horn in the pit orchestra—but good entertainment is good entertainment. I left the theater that night with a song in my heart and a spring in my step.

I’m not alone. Folks in small towns around the country are warming up to opera, and the baritone business is booming. Take Middlebury, Vermont (population 6,373), for example. Its Opera Company of Middlebury started eight years ago on a shoestring. With community support and appreciation, today the Opera Company operates on a six-figure budget and performs to consistently sold-out crowds. Compare that to big city operas. Big productions, big venues, and even bigger salaries have spelled an end to opera houses in Baltimore and Orlando, and even the grand dame of opera—the New York City Opera—announced it will soon be leaving Lincoln Center for more affordable digs. Small towns can learn a lesson from these big city operas: don’t get too big for your britches. The growing pains can kill you. 

My son moves to Chicago this fall to study music at DePaul University. He says it would be a dream come true to play in the Lyric Opera of Chicago. Chicago sure is a big city. If my boy gets a chance to play there, would I go? You betcha. There’s not a “ghost” of a chance I’d miss it.

Cool Video: For a look at contemporary Russian opera, watch this video of “Vitas Opera #2.” It’s not your mama’s opera.

Read the Article ® Small towns, big voices: Opportunities to sing are taking root in Vermont

Un-Bearable Neighbor

“A bear? Really?”

Joe Olivier, Resident of Mattapoisett, Massachusetts

Bears scare me. When I was 10 years old, my family camped overnight in Yellowstone Park. The day before we arrived, a mama bear separated from her cub had rampaged through the campground. When I nervously suggested to my dad that maybe we should get a motel instead of pitching a tent, he pooh-poohed my fears by saying that if a bear wants you, no door’s gonna stop ‘em. I “slept” eyes wide open that night.

Residents of Mattapoisett, Massachusetts (population 6,268) know my fear. A black bear has been spotted roaming their neighborhoods. This isn’t business as usual for these folks—bears are rare in their neck of the woods. And although an Internet search will tell you black bears eat mostly nuts and berries and roots, at least one woman saw the bear clutching a small brown and white animal in its mouth. Neighbors have been warned to keep pets inside and to take down bird feeders and put away their garbage. I’d add one more warning: don’t pitch a tent in the backyard and keep an eye on the front door.

Facts about black bears:
·        Black bears usually weigh 125 to 500 pounds, but well-fed males can tip the scales at over 800 pounds.
·        Preferred foods are nuts and berries and roots . . . and little brown and white animals, apparently.
·        Hearing is about twice as good as a humans, and smelling capacity is about 100 times larger.
·        Good swimmers, black bears have been known to swim to island campsites.
·        Lean bears can run about 30 mph. If pursued, pray for a fat bear; they tire easily.
·        Black bears are far better navigators than humans and have excellent long-term memory.
·        About 70 percent of bear-caused deaths result from grizzly bears defending their cubs; the good news is there are no reports of black bears killing in defense of their young.

Read the Article ® Town residents bear witness
Photo by Mike Bender/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

No Small Fries

“There are many child-friendly restaurants

that are a lot cheaper to go to.”

Mike Vuick, Owner of McDain’s Resaturant

Photo by Angela Fenn

McDain’s might sound like McDonald’s, but don’t let the name fool you. This Mickey D’s is no family restaurant. There are no golden arches, no red-haired clowns, no happy meals, and soon no small fries. Starting this weekend the restaurant will be off limits to children 6 years old and younger.

McDain’s Restaurant in Monroeville, Pennsylvania (population 27,973) decided to implement the new policy after receiving complaints from its customers, mostly an older clientele. Although age restrictions are uncommon in a small town, McDain’s owner isn’t apologizing. He says the noise raised by babies crying and children running around doesn’t go with fine dining. And if the parents aren’t willing to say “no” to their kids, he will.

Besides, it’s not like there isn’t anyplace else for the youngsters to grab a bite to eat. The other, more famous Mickey D’s in town has made a fortune welcoming small fries, their clamor, and their parents’ cash.

Interesting side note: There’s nothing illegal about banning young children from restaurants. However, it is illegal to ban senior citizens because they’re a protected class.

Read the Articles ® No small fries: Restaurant bans kids under six years old and Restaurant bans children under 6 years old

Underwater

“It’s still there; it’s just wet.”

Kenny Wing

Grandson of Flagstaff Village, Maine resident

Flagstaff Lake, Maine

In today’s housing crisis, too many of us are familiar with the term “underwater.” In real estate jargon, it means owing more money on your house than it’s worth. But to folks who can remember Flagstaff Village, Maine, underwater means underwater—as in: Flagstaff Village is now Flagstaff Lake. And it’s no accident.

Back in the 1930s and 40s, Flagstaff Village and towns like it used DC electricity to power their towns—generated by local mills and stored in batteries. But nearing the mid-century, folks were demanding modern AC electricity—the kind used in homes today—and the local electric company answered that demand by building a hydroelectric dam on the Dead River and flooding Flagstaff Village and two other small towns. Former villagers alive today recall growing up in a town marked with an expiration date. The flooding started in 1949, and it took three years before the town was totally submerged. Or nearly totally—Schoolhouse Hill pokes out of Flagstaff Lake, the only reminder of what lies beneath. The grandson of a former villager is spearheading efforts to preserve Schoolhouse Hill as a memorial to the town that was.

A village in Venezuela suffered a similar fate in 1985. Its 1,200 residents were cleared out to make room for a new hydroelectric dam and reservoir. But this year the country is suffering a terrible drought, and the reservoir has dropped 98 feet, exposing the watery ghost town beneath. Former villagers have returned to get one more look at their former homes, church, and village square. It’s a bittersweet journey, heartbreaking for some. This is one case where perhaps it would have been best for these homes to have remained underwater.

·        Listen to the story of Flagstaff Village, Maine ® Submerged Maine town lives on in memory
·        Read the story of the Venezuelan village ® Venezuelan drought reveals a long-submerged town

Chicken Coup

“We’re just lucky people aren’t dropping off elephants.”

Richard Ponce, Resident of San Juan Bautista, California

Photo by Roman Köhler

A few weeks ago, I wrote about little Pateros, Washington (population 624) and its decision to say “no” to chickens (Critters). Neighboring towns were allowing residents to keep three, maybe four hens for fresh eggs, but Pateros said “none, nada, zip.” Turns out, town leaders in Pateros knew what they were doing. Just ask folks in the quaint mission town of San Juan Bautista, California (population 1,715). Back in 1769 when the Franciscan friars settled the town, they brought with them a few “fryers,” and today the town is flocked with fowl.

San Juan Capistrano has its swallows; San Juan Bautista has its chickens. Hens peck among town gardens and cocks strut their stuff on the old boardwalk and crow from every corner in town. Chickens are featured on T-shirts and hats, and shopkeepers sell as many chicken-inspired bric-a-brac as mission bells. Until last year the town even had a chicken parade and festival. But lately something is afoul. Strange chickens, mostly roosters it appears, have been dumped in town, and the chicken population has exploded. Deciding something had to be done, town leaders have hired trappers to scoop up about 100 from private yards. Officials hope the trappers will be able to find homes for the chickens. The chickens hope Herbert Hoover’s 1928 campaign slogan won’t come home to roost. You know the one—a car in every garage and “a chicken in every pot.”

Read the Article ® California mission town residents stewed over chickens

Oh Nuts

“We felt like something was taken away from us,

and now we’ve got it back.”

Betty Ann Matthies, Mayor of Seguin, Texas

You know what they say: everything’s bigger in Texas. And the folks in Seguin, Texas (population 26,842) aim to keep it that way—especially when it comes to their nuts.

Seguin, known since the 1960s as home to the world largest pecan, lost that title in 2009 to little Brunswick, Missouri (population 836), which cracked the top spot with a pecan 7 feet around and 12 feet long. This did not sit well with the folks in Seguin. They’ve been hard at work building a bigger nut, and during their 4th of July parade this week unveiled the newest world’s largest pecan: 8 feet around and 16 feet long—showing folks in the Show Me state what big is. Still, the pecan in Brunswick wins the weight division: a whopping 12,000 pounds versus 2,300 pounds in Seguin. Something tells me we haven’t seen the last of the nut wars yet.

And that’s today’s news . . . in a nutshell.

Read the Articles:

Texas ® Seguin reclaims title as home of the world’s largest pecan
Missouri ® The world’s largest pecan (Has a picture of Brunswick’s world’s largest nut; it’s a big ‘un!)

Explosive Export

“This is better than dope.”

Dan Glozer, Police detective

San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department

Photo by Ian Kluft

It’s a familiar scene, one that’s played out a hundred times on television: cops patrolling the California border watching for signs of illegal smuggling. But this time it isn’t the border with Mexico they’re watching; it’s Nevada. And it isn't drugs or illegal immigrants; it’s something much more explosive: fireworks.

You see, fireworks are legal to sell in Nevada but are not legal to own in California. The border town of Pahrump, Nevada (population 39,344) is doing a booming business in the kaboom business. Folks from California drive to Nevada, buy up pyrotechnics at about twice market value, and sneak back to California with their explosive stash under covers. As in any smuggling operation, officials are always on the lookout for suspicious vehicles. They say they’re not hard to spot—sedans, minivans, and trucks packed with blankets in 90 degree heat.

There’s another activity that’s legal in Pahrump but not in California: ladies of the evening. But this one would be much trickier to smuggle back across the border. Can you imagine the fireworks at home if these guys get caught?

Read the Article ® Illegal fireworks small town's explosive main export

Not Your Typical Festival

“There will be fun all over Big Rock.”

Mary Hauge, Resident of Big Rock, Illinois

It’s the beginning of a new month (can you believe it?), so that means it’s time for a new Not Your Typical Festival list. Click on the link, or the tab at the top of this page, and check out the latest offbeat celebrations. To mark the occasion, I’m sharing a few celebrations that were held this last month but didn’t make the June list.

Zippy Birthday Bash
Big Rock, Illinois (population 2,118) made a big deal out of celebrating the town’s zip code birthday last month. And what’s a zip code birthday? It’s the date that matches a town’s zip code. In this case, 60511: June 5, 2011 (6/05/11). When one of the town’s residents realized their zip code would be an actual date this year, she and a bunch of volunteers threw together a birthday bash. It included a truck and tractor show, train rides, a BBQ chicken and pork dinner, and let’s hope cake. The zip code for my town is 52054, so I’d have to wait until 2054 to celebrate. I’m not holding my breath.
Read the Article ® Big Rock prepares to put some ZIP in village anniversary


What’s in a Name
The festival in Elizabeth, Illinois (population 644) is an exclusive kind of thing—you have to be named Elizabeth to attend. Okay, the festival allows the families, too, but it’s really all about the Elizabeths. The town, named after Elizabeth Armstrong, who spearheaded efforts to defend Apple River Fort during the Black Hawk War in 1832, sets aside time each year to celebrate that spirit, and namesake. One hundred and seventy-five Elizabeths showed up this year, donning matching purple shirts and a spirit for fun. A portion of the money raised during the Elizabeth Festival goes to support the Apple River Fort, still standing today, thanks to an Elizabeth.
Read the Article ® Elizabeths elicit excitement


Priceless Festival
The Strawberry Festival held by The Brethren Church in Linwood, Maryland (population 5,149) might look like a typical festival—good times and good eats—but unlike most festivals, it doesn’t cost a dime to partake. The church, which has held the festival for 100 years, decided three years ago to practice what it preaches and make the festival available to everyone without regard to income. The church does accept free-will donations during the dinner, and it uses that money to feed the needy. The funny is, since the festival stopped charging for the dinner three years ago, the amount raised for charity has nearly doubled.
Read the Article ® Donation-only festival helps those in need in the community